Written by: Barbra Smith / Last updated: May. 15, 2024
When the arrow of love touches your heart, you will fall in love with the person you chose. So what if you have to consider the option of a blended family because your partner was recently married?
According to the US Bureau of Census, blended or stepfamilies form 50% of all families in the US, and the percentage of children living in blended families is increasing.
Your chances of success heavily depend on your behavior, parenting style, expectations, and partner.
Let’s dive deeper to learn everything there is to know about a blended family from the perspective of many experts.
We will discuss:
Types of blended families
According to psychologist Dr. James Bray, there are three main types of blended families, and they are:
The Neo-traditional Step Family.
It is when a mom has children and marries a dad with or without children, and this is the most common type of stepfamily.
This kind of blended family resembles the main idea of a nuclear family, where people remarry not only because they want a new life partner but also for a sustainable family life.
This family can adjust to several changes; parents can form an efficient marital bond, and kids can adapt to their new lives after some time.
The matriarchal family.
In this type, the woman is a single, independent parent who has a career and can do successful parenting alone.
In this family, the mom only needs a male to share her life with, and the stepfather is only engaged with the mom and mostly ignores her kids.
The issue of this kind is when the stepfather decides to play a more effective role in the family and wants to engage with the kids, but the wife refuses, or when the wife asks the stepfather to be more involved, but he refuses.
This family has its chances of success and failure, depending on the extent of understanding between the couple.
The romantic family
This blended family has that name because they set high expectations of success and try to be like a nuclear family (first marriage).
The couple’s unrealistic expectations drive them to force themselves on the stepkids without giving them the necessary time to adjust to their new lives.
This family, unfortunately, has the highest rates of divorce.
How should you make it work?
Parents think paying attention to the kids solely in a blended family is a key factor in a happy marriage, but that is not necessarily true.
According to the CEO of Marriage Today, Jimmy Evans, three main points should be considered in a long-lasting marriage, and they are:
The parents should spend more time bonding.
Couples need to form a strong marital bond and make it a priority for their blended family to succeed and have a long-lasting marriage.
Their marriage cannot take second place because parents ignore the fact that their kids are not a permanent assignment. After all, they will leave them someday, like when they get married.
More hope in the future.
When the kids see that their parents are happily married and getting along with each other, they become reassured about their lives.
When kids feel reassured, they become more motivated about their lives and have hope for their future, even if there were problems concerning their nuclear family back then.
The third factor.
The couple should set realistic expectations and clear rules regarding everything, including the children, how to run the house, each parent’s responsibilities, etc.
Expected blended family issues
Stepfamilies can go through hardships, especially at the beginning, and some of these challenges are:
It’s really challenging.
According to the US Bureau of Census, nearly 66% of remarried couples get divorced when children are involved.
If you consider making a stepfamily, then carefully choose your partner and be realistic, because several failures in marriages can cause emotional exhaustion.
Your partner’s ex.
If your partner has kids and is having a disrespectful relationship with the ex, then you might suffer with the kids.
The other biological parent can say false things about you to the kids to make them hate you, and you will have to work hard to prove their parent wrong.
High financial expenses.
If you and your partner have kids and the money is tight, then this could be a problem in the long run.
You have to be honest with yourself and set clear steps on how to avoid this awkward situation.
High stress at the beginning.
The first year of marriage will be stressful if you have stepchildren or your own kids because they need at least a year to adjust to their new lives.
Don’t try to push yourself on your stepkids because they are confused and sad about the loss of their family.
Shaming the stepkids’ other biological parent
It is not always possible for the kids to see their other parent, and in this case, no one should blame or shame the kids’ other biological parent because they will take a defensive position and defend their parent.
Benefits of blended families
Making a new family.
Humans are cooperative breeders, so they prefer to make families because they like to live in groups, and these groups are called families nowadays.
Making a family benefits your mental health because family members give us supportive relationships.
Shared responsibilities.
If you are a mom and have kids and a career, then finding a balance between your professional career and private life is challenging, so being in a blended family will make it easier because your partner can take your place.
Having kids.
If you have a medical condition regarding having kids, then consider the option of a blended family is suitable because stepchildren can be a solution for this problem, but you have to be honest with your spouse about this medical condition.
Tips to have a successful second marriage
There is no difference between our kids.
The remarried couple should promise each other that there is no difference between the kids and that no one will take sides when a conflict occurs.
This is one of the crucial tips to make the marriage last for a long time.
Kids should have enough time to build trust.
It is recommended to prepare the kids emotionally and mentally before the marriage occurs, and that can be done by following some parenting advice like hanging out with the stepkids or shopping together.
Set clear rules about discipline.
A couple of a blended family should sit together to set the rules of the house regarding everything, especially the discipline and authority of the stepparent over the stepkids.
These rules should be told to the kids, and they should agree on them to prevent any misunderstandings in the future.
My suggestion is that the stepparent, in the first year, should not discipline the stepkids but rather show support to the biological parent when the kids break the rules.
The stepparent should only care about things like doing homework, chores, etc.
Dealing with the ex-partner of your partner
There are two things to consider with your partner’s ex:
- Delay encountering the ex if your partner has just been divorced because the ex might think you are the reason for the divorce.
- Schedule a meeting in a public place away from your stepchildren so that both of you can reach an agreement regarding the kids.
If the ex-partner is not treating you well and tries to interfere in your blended family life unwillingly, then please consult a lawyer for legal advice.