For some kids and adults, living with controlling parents can be a headache because they try to spread their dominance and rules all over the house.
These parents justify this behavior because they love and care about their kids, and kids do not like this attitude because they feel weak when they are forced to do things they do not like.
In this blog post, we will talk about controlling parents and mention creative ways to deal with them.
Why do parents like to control kids?
What type of parent is controlling?
What are the types of parental control?
Psychological effects of controlling parents
How to deal with controlling parents?
Why do parents like to control kids?
Parents like to control their kids for many reasons, like:
Lack of expertise.
New parents with no previous experience in parenting may make this mistake because they think that keeping kids in a certain direction is the right and healthy attitude.
This could be right when the kids are just kids and they know nothing, but when they grow older and have an independent personality, this attitude from the parents should not go on.
Wise parents will teach their kids how to be responsible and will give them the freedom of choice when they feel confident in their choices.
Toxic behavior.
Having toxic parents can be a problem because these parents will control you without letting you decide on your own.
The problem with these parents is that they think they are superior and clever, so they will always force you to listen to their orders without considering your opinions.
Unhappy childhood.
If your father, for example, had a traumatic experience like domestic violence for not listening to his dad’s orders, then the conscious mind stores this memory and makes it totally normal for your dad to repeat the same behavior with you.
Overprotection.
Many parents will exaggerate in interfering in their kids’ lives, like choosing their friends, coaches in training, solving their problems without letting them try, or even their future careers.
These parents do that because they think it is their role to protect their kids from disappointments, but what they really do is cancel their personalities.
What type of parent is controlling?
Controlling parents will follow one of the following parenting styles:
Parents in these styles are known for their behavior of dominating their kids by giving them non-negotiable orders because they think it is better to direct them toward certain goals instead of letting them choose on their own.
What are the types of parental control?
Simply put, there are two types of parental control:
Emotional control:
In this type, parents depend on letting their kids feel certain negative emotions so that they can control them. For example, they may not talk to them for some time as a discipline or make them feel inner guilt for not doing what they said.
Strict control:
This type is the worst because parents may use force like spanking, pinching, pushing, or hitting.
This strict control will leave a long-lasting traumatic experience for the kids and will deteriorate the relationship between parents and their kids.
Domestic violence in the United States is considered an act of violence and is illegal by law.
Signs of a controlling parent
There are several signs of controlling parents; some of them are bearable, and some are not.
- Your parents do not consider your opinions about things that matter to you.
- They will not discuss their orders with their children.
- They do not care about their children’s emotions when they decide something against their wishes.
- Controlling parents will achieve their dreams through their kids.
- They will think less of their kids because they will always be young for them.
- Parents will not respect your privacy because they want to know and control everything you do.
Psychological effects of controlling parents
Parents with a controlling attitude will have both positive and negative effects.
Positive effects include:
- Kids will achieve highly in their academic lives as their parents force them to study hard.
- Parents will protect their kids from bullying because they care about their safety.
Negative effects include:
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Antisocial behavior because their parents choose their friends, so they cannot make new ones.
- Lower self-confidence because they do not have a chance to decide anything.
- Weak personality.
- In cases of excessive control, kids may harm themselves.
How to deal with controlling parents?
Dealing with controlling parents can be hard sometimes, but it is not impossible, so check out these tips carefully:
Accept the situation.
The first thing you need to do with your parents is to accept their attitude because they may not change over time, so being okay with them will help you release some of the stress you feel whenever you deal with them.
Make them feel like they control you.
Not all controlling parents care about doing what they say, but they care about how you react when you listen to their orders.
They will be mad at you if you discuss or refuse their orders, but they will be friendly when you say okay without discussion.
If you have a problem with what they tell you to do, then do not do this thing entirely but just a part of it, and later, go tell them that you cannot complete this thing entirely.
Your offense is the best defense.
“Take initiative.”
These parents want to feel they are in control, so making them believe that will help you.
Being friendly and doing things they love without asking you will have good consequences later.
Smiling at them, being friendly, or offering to have a hot drink together can improve the relationship.
Seek autonomy in small details first.
If you want to take control over your life and choices, then you should do it gradually when dealing with controlling parents.
Do not fight them over big decisions at the beginning; instead, be independent in small things like staying awake for one more hour, for example.
You can ask your parents nicely to finish your chores at a different time but promise them that you will do the chores and be honest.
Get help from close family members.
When your parents are making an important decision that concerns you and you cannot convince them of your opinion, then call a family member they like and trust to help you in this situation.
Avoid unnecessary conflicts.
Getting into silly conflicts with your parents will make them more stubborn because, by doing that, you give them a chance to feel that they are not in control, so do not give them this chance ever.
Differences between controlling parents and toxic parents
There is a difference between moderate control and over-controlling.
Moderate control is OK and healthy when you deal with children who have no prior life experience.
In fact, many parents suggest that parents should control their kids until they reach 15 or 16 years old.
However, parents should let their children be independent as they grow older.
So, if parents are normal like this, then they are not toxic.
The problem begins when parents over-control their kids by showing toxic behaviors like invading their privacy for no obvious reasons or spying on their phones.
Children living in this toxic environment and this overparenting situation will be fed up with this lifestyle and will find their own ways to escape the countless rules and orders from their parents, which can eventually lead to a bad relationship.
Should parents control their kids?
The simple answer should be:
Yes, when there is something fishy.
No, when everything seems normal.
Parents should control their children when they do not have the ability to decide or have bad friendships, or if they give them reasons to suspect they are doing something wrong.
Bad friendships at an early age should not be tolerated because this kind of friendship can have a negative impact on your kids.
Parents should stop controlling their kids when they are old enough to be responsible for their actions.
I was in a parenting group on Facebook a while ago, and some parents were discussing why we should watch our kids’ phones from time to time.
I will quote two opposing opinions so that you can understand why I say yes and no at the same time.
30-year-old female “My mom would check my phone once in a while when she still trusted me; eventually, I lost her trust when she checked it more often. Checking phones less often is important to show your kids you trust them.”
33-year-old mom: “Speaking as someone who was inappropriate and sneaky as a teen, I would suggest checking phones every now and then.
My father did not check my phone, but he eventually did and put a stop to me speaking to grown men.
I did not know what I was thinking, but now I would be more cautious of other people.”