Written by: Barbra Smith / Last updated: Apr. 19, 2024
It is so frustrating to be a stepparent because this role in your new marriage has many responsibilities and sacrifices for the sake of your beloved spouse.
You think that you are supposed to replace the biological parent for your spouse’s kids, but getting that kind of authority will take months and even years.
According to Forbes, the statistics for second marriages report a 74% failure rate, and the main reason is that the couple does not set realistic expectations.
In this article, we have gathered useful tips to make a successful blended family, so we will discuss:
What do kids feel when they have a stepparent?
When children experience their parents’ divorce, they feel frustrated and have symptoms like depression, behavioral problems, or low school performance.
Do not show up in the kids’ lives if their parents have just divorced, because they will see you as the one who had an affair with one of their parents and the main reason why their biological parents were divorced.
They will not tolerate you because they see you as the main reason for breaking up their previous (happy) family.
This burden will be on your partner’s shoulder to make you look better in front of the kids and to explain the real reason behind the divorce.
This approach will calm the children down a little bit, and they may let you get involved in their lives.
Boundaries of a stepparent
It is not your job to replace anyone.
It is essential to reassure the kids that you will not replace their other biological parent because it is not supposed to be your role at all.
After proving your pure intentions, the kids will gradually let you be more involved in their private lives.
A stepparent should never discipline the kids; give them advice.
Never discipline the kids, because they will not accept your disciplinary act because they consider you someone with no authority over them. Instead, give them advice based on your life experience.
Forcing your rules on them will cause tension in your relationship with them.
Do not interfere in your partner’s fights with the kids.
When your partner is having an argument with your stepchild, do not interfere, because if you side with your partner, the kid will forget all the nice things you have done to him.
Be diplomatic and support your partner when you both are alone and then calm the kid to bring all the opinions together.
The child’s boundaries with you.
Have your own respect when dealing with stepchildren, because setting boundaries tells them that you are in charge and looking after them.
How should a stepparent improve the relationship with the other partner’s kids?
Do what they love.
Try to do activities with the kids and choose what they like, and you can get this information from your partner.
Surprising them with the activities they like will be a good gesture and a nice move from you.
Take things at your own pace and do not force yourself.
Your good intentions will tell you to engage and bond with the kids from the first day.
This thought is not a good move because stepchildren need time to cope with your presence in their new lives.
Stepkids will need more time if they have to leave their original home and come to your place.
A stepparent should form a healthy relationship with the stepchildren.
Being their friend is much more important than being a replacement for their biological parent.
When you see them do wrong things, try to give them advice and help them to have better personalities.
The love will be conditional.
As you are not the biological parent of the kids, they will not give you unconditional love, so you will have to give and take to nurture the relationship with them.
This is totally fine until they trust you, and after that, they will start treating you as a member of their family.
What to do with the child’s other biological parent?
There will be two kinds of parents: open-minded and closed-minded.
In the case of an open-minded parent:
Consider yourself lucky if the other parent is okay with your marriage with your partner.
It is necessary to be on terms with the kids’ other parent regarding basic rules like bedtime, diet, dating, and school work, and give assurance that you will not be a replacement at all.
It is also a good initiative that you assure the other parent that you will not mention bad or wrong things about her or him in front of the kids.
In the case of a closed-minded parent:
In this case, try not to engage with that parent by any means, because he or she will work tirelessly to give you a bad reputation.
The best thing to do is to focus more on the kids and do them nice things to see the good side of you and to prove your good intentions while supporting your partner at the same time.
How do you encourage your kids to bond with your spouse’s kids?
There are many tips and considerations to handle this situation wisely, such as:
Treat them equally.
Many stepparents try to treat the other partner’s kids more nicely than their own.
This move is supposed to be nice to win your stepkids’ hearts and love, but this is not how it works.
Being unjust will raise jealousy levels between the kids to the sky, and you may end up losing your own kids’ love and respect.
Give them time to adjust to their new lives.
Helping the kids to bond with each other while not forcing them is a great way to make things work for your marriage
Encouraging them to show their feelings towards each other will help them unconsciously have a better relationship with each other.
This can only be done under your supervision and with your partner.
Do family activities that need their participation.
When step-siblings start getting along, parents should start their phase two plan of letting them do activities with each other like making a food recipe together or watching a movie of their choice, etc.
Making the step-siblings successfully bond with each other will result in a happy and long-lasting marriage.
